Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
