i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
