i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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