dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
