It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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