Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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