If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
