How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
