just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
