Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
