Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
