i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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