Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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