Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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