Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
