Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
