I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Found the puke drawer
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
