I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
