well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
