We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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