If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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