Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
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