6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
