yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
