Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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