Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it hurts more in the daytime
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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