her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
