Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
