Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
