I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
