The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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