We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize