God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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