She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
