I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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