my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
