Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
that is very illegal...i love you.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
