respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
