The beer is more important than you right now.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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