You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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