Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
