Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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