In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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