is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
worst night to have a conscience
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
