Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
