Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
