I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dick very happy bro
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
