Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
