They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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