I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize