I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
