just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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