Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The air was thick with penises
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
