So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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