I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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