I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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