Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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