Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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