Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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