That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
