i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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