So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The dick lei will go down in squad history
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
